Sports Guy says go to Rollins
In his mailbag on Friday Bill Simmons said kids should forget Duke or Princeton and go to good old Rollins College:
Q: I’m 18 and just graduated high school. When my college decisions came in in April, I narrowed down my choices to Dartmouth and Princeton and had no idea what to do. Whether it’s teenage indecision or my relative laziness, the only thing I could think of was your pure hatred for Princeton. So I chose Dartmouth. You, Bill Simmons, made the biggest decision I have ever made. Most likely, you will be responsible for whatever shenanigans I go through in life. Just wanted to let you know and say thanks.
– Sam, New YorkSG: I couldn’t be prouder. To think, I saved you from a terminal case of insufferable “dooshdom.” Now I want to offer my services as the deciding vote for anyone’s college choice. Wouldn’t you watch a “Judge Judy”-type show in which high school seniors went on, told a “Judge” (in this case, me) a little bit about themselves, rattled off the colleges that accepted them, and then Judge Simmons made the decision? Then we could have moments like this …
Me: “OK, we’re back on ‘Judge Simmons.’ So Michael, you’re debating between Duke and Princeton. You seem like a good guy. I read your bio. You like sports, you have a lot of friends and I enjoyed your essay in which you vowed not to get married until you’re 40 because love is overrated. I was particularly impressed that you were the commissioner of three fantasy leagues, and that you were suspended four months ago for trying to organize a wet T-shirt contest with girls from your prep school’s sister school. They called it offensive, I call it ingenious. Anyway, I can’t let you attend Duke or Princeton. Everyone hates Duke and the list of insufferable jerks from Princeton is longer than all the other Ivies combined.
“Therefore, my decision is this: I’m enrolling you at Rollins College in Winter Park, Fla. Maybe it’s not Ivy quality, but it’s a good school and you’ll get to wear shorts to class every day. Also, every day when you’re walking around campus you’ll think you’re a judge on ‘America’s Top Model.’ Just trust me. This case is dismissed. And remember, folks, as always, it doesn’t matter where you go to college, just what you did when you were there … and that the weather was warm. Until next time on ‘Judge Simmons’!”
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is publicity any college would kill for. I’m sure the admissions office will now be overwhelmed with applications. And for the record I pretty much did wear shorts to class everyday.
rollins is a joke. the only way you can get a job comin out of that school is if you go work for daddy’s business….. Which is 90% of the school. Pussies.
Uh… what? Are you sure you didn’t get rejected from Rollins or anything? Rollins the #1 Master’s level college in the South according to US News and World Report and a top-ranked business school by Forbes and BusinessWeek. Perhaps if you major in something like English or Philosophy you won’t get a job, but if you major in something substantial at Rollins, you’ll definitely get something in the job market. It’s very well-respected down here. Yeah there are a bunch of rich students here, but that shouldn’t reflect on the education you’re getting here. Maybe not Ivy-quality, but a very, very, fine liberal arts college nonetheless.
Perhaps you’re thinking of some other toilet school (most likely the one you attend). Sucks for you dude that you can’t go to a good school. Either that or you just hate rich people. Whatever the case is, it’s pretty clear that you hold a grudge and aren’t good enough for Rollins to begin with.
who works? and yes we do slay pussies.